This song perfectly encapsulated how my September went. Back To Being Friends - Lauren Spencer Smith
The need to feel productive.
After going through a rough patch and Burning Man, I had little motivation to do anything. It took a week to get back into the gym and restart my routine. Dishes piled up, laundry sat in my hamper, ordered takeout because I was too lethargic to cook, and avoided people in general. September was probably the hardest month I've had in a while. I'd have moments of brief happiness, and then find myself tearing up out of the blue. It became difficult to look people in the eyes with sincerity, for fear they would see the glint of sadness behind my reserved smile.
Actively trying new things.
What's helped me process the hardship has been finding out what I desire. I'm trying to see myself the way others do, and it's slowly aiding in my mending process. I'm going out more, following through with plans, connecting with new people, and holding my expectations high. I don't want to rebound, it would be unfair to put someone else in that position just to provide myself with instant gratification. I want to be... comfortable with myself before allowing others into my heart. I'm looking forward to finding someone in the future, right now I'm focusing on myself and what I can accomplish without needing a security blanket to hold me.
Self-confidence is empowering.
I've always been humble and tried to stay out of the spotlight in most situations. I'd rather observe conversations and gain insight into what type of conversationalist I should be in that context. I went through a bad experience with a stalker years ago, and it made me discerning of others, and fearful of drawing attention to myself. I'd have to second-guess if I was a good person, and I became withdrawn and reserved. I'd rather someone say they don't have a strong opinion of me, than to hear I've been perceived poorly.
It wasn't until recently that I've started believing the affirmations I was being told, and the reason it felt good was because I didn't have to assume a role in order to be appreciated. All I had to do was be myself... it came as a genuine surprise, but I'm still not fully comfortable receiving compliments. It's just easier to be authentic and propel myself forward with good intentions.
A stranger stopped me yesterday at the Castro Street Fair to tell me I'm beautiful, and it made my day. I feel like I hear it all the time online, but it often feels undeserved. I didn't do anything to earn it, I can't reciprocate by showing them I'm more than "easy on the eyes". I'm usually at a loss of words, after being accustomed to people discrediting my personality or intellect based on my appearance. "You're young, so you're inexperienced", "You're beautiful, so your life has been easy", "You're popular, so you shouldn't complain about dating", "You're fit, so you're not a nerd (OH GOD, this one blows my mind. I'm a huge Trekkie). There are so many times my feelings have been invalidated because of how I'm perceived, and it really fucked with my self-worth.
Well, no more. I'm at the point where if someone doesn't care to know me better, I'm not concerned. This experience is my own, and I won't allow others to strike down my confidence.
Breaking down the stigma of sex work.
I actually really enjoy sex. I was timid about admitting it at first, and it's held me back for years. I was mostly afraid of becoming attached because I put a lot of emotions into being physical with someone. As I get older, I'm better at delineating between "just sex" and genuine connection. I've also learned how to bring myself comfort, and not seek sexual validation out of insecurity.
It's fun, it's exciting, and I'm good at it. What a great passion to have!
Why did I start an OnlyFans?
Honestly, I felt myself being drawn towards it for a while... but my tattoos were always too recognizable, so it would be impossible to do it anonymously. I was worried that being public would shrink my dating pool, but I realized that I don't want to be with someone who wouldn't support me in any endeavor I pursue. I'm in a phase of my life where I don't care what people think of me, so long as I can make myself happy. I'm allowed to be a multifaceted person. I can be beautiful inside and out. Being naked doesn't take away from my mental faculties, career experience, or personality. I know who I am, and I'm looking forward to who I'll become. Being able to embrace my own rarity has been the greatest gift, and I'm forever grateful to those who helped me see it.