Tonight was a wonderful night, being surrounded by Burning Man campmates. It's comforting to be in a safe space and just lose yourself a little, knowing there are people who will love and support you still.
I realized that life is a never-ending "coming of age" story. To continually have the autonomy and responsibility to make myself happy has been a weird journey to say the least. The people-pleaser in me constantly empathizes with others to make sure they feel acknowledged. It's something I often extend to others because it's an act of kindness that I'd like offered to me in times of trouble. To have my internal struggles validated, and feel a little less alone. It's so easy lose our sense of sonder, and remember that everyone has a life and vivid and complex as our own. I just don't know how relatable my experience is.
More recently, I've started letting my instant gratification monkey take over. Still trying to parse out if it's actually helping me, or masquerading the unresolved feelings of the infinite "what ifs".
Ultimately, I haven't found someone who brings me as much peace. A dopey eyed dumb dumb who has the purest intentions and makes me feel like home with just a look. I think I'm too intentional about how much I convey affection for guys, and it becomes a risk to disappoint me... so they set expectations low and keep things at a "fun" level. There's a time and place for fun, I cannot have fun all the time. My tolerance has dwindled so quickly, and as powerful as I know I am... I'm also exhausted of wielding.