These past few months were a lot of emotions. Mostly positive, productive, and enlightening.
I haven't been in a super sexy mood since new years. Rarely posting on my OF or Twitter. Just making new connections, doing the work of healing, and understanding the direction I want to take my life.
It took a while to get here. It took a lot of nights staring off at the sunset alone, taking walks alone, going out alone, and genuinely settling into my own skin. I had this weight lifted off my shoulders one night in Mexico. Tripping so hard I could barely see straight. I walked out of the club to get some air and stared at a tree covered in lights. It was as if each blurry bulb encapsulated every happy memory in the past year. I shed a tear, smirked, mumbled "thank you" under my breath, and let it all go. I walked home appreciating all we've been through and knowing it was not in vain.
"Big Boy"Status
I accomplished more than expected these past few months. I bought a house. I got a new job (start date tbd but I'm not worried). I've travelled alone. I've met so many wonderful people. Finally embracing what I have to offer and actively seeking people who embody the same ambition and carefree attitude as myself. I'm going to Sydney pride next week and am totally stoked to be back on the beach! I'm really enjoying the time off between jobs, it's the longest I've gone without working and it has been a moment of rest that I needed to recover from feeling burnt out. Getting this job wasn't hard, admittedly. And even if their hiring freeze continues, I feel confident in my ability to find another one, so just allowing myself to feel comfortable for a while.
"Boy"
I was recently propositioned to be a houseboy, which was hilarious! I'm not a boy, I'm not a sub, or even very feminine (aside from the long hair). I'm done with subverting expectations or explaining why. I'm just me, a loud laughing fool who sets boundaries and takes care of myself. I don't need a daddy. I don't want to be owned. I don't care if you're rich or how big your dick is. I require an equal and expect to be treated as one. It's exhausting to have people take me less serious due to my age or the way I carry myself, but understand as carefree as I am, I'm taking notes on your vocabulary and will definitely not take any form of marginalization. Ever. I'm a powerful person, and an even more powerful bottom (joking, I don't mind topping for the right guy). There's party Richard that's exciting and enthusiastic, and there's inner Richard, who loves to geek out on sci-fi and video games, does psychedelics, and learns about himself constantly.
I love them both, but only allow a select few to meet the latter.
Dating
I've started actively dating again. Although I tend to want to rush things, burn fast and hot, feel passion and attraction. I find it's hard to connect with people who aren't as transparent or engaged as I am. A part of my journey has been weeding out the ones who don't have a clear understanding of what their ideal relationship looks like. I know what I want, what I can compromise on, and the green flags I find attractive. It can come off as abrasive or lacking nuance, but the more comfortable I am with myself, the less I feel inclined to adjust my personality to be liked. I love me, the life I've cultivated and worked my ass off for, the people I surround myself with, and that's enough right now. I love me, and I want someone who looks at me the way I look at myself. Vice versa, I'm completely enamored by men who know who they are and own it. There's a level of mutual confidence and reciprocal interest that makes me fall head over heels. A connection like that is something I treasure, even if we can't make it work romantically.
Impatient
As someone who tends to be high-achieving, I've found life works out when I try. I've learned how to set myself up for success. Asking the right questions has been a key to understanding others and myself better. It's so much easier to be fully transparent, put your expectations and intentions into context, and toss the ball out of your court. Yes, there's a lot of pressure when dating me, but my heart is a high stakes prize and I dole out my affection carefully. I've begun giving people the choice to get to know me better, but rarely give second chances. It's a rule I've set for myself. If there's any sense of hesitancy after I've laid my cards on the table, I know to move on. If someone views it as tactless, I highly doubt we would work out long term. I'm impatient because this world is big, the personalities are plentiful, and the goal is in mind. I fall hard, I know I do. I just need to get back up, dust off my knees, and try again (preferably sooner than later).
Anyways, looking forward to sharing how World Pride goes! I'm sure it'll be great, things are on the up and up. I'm ready to push myself into new situations.
Have a wonderful day! 😘