It closed without much closure. I feel like hiding away and shutting off for a bit, but I can't. Responsibilities, traveling, commitments, bills, friends, family... I have to keep moving. Even if it means by the skin of my teeth, I have to push forward. It makes me feel cold inside, again. The reactionary part of me yearns to disappear and be mad at the world. The pragmatist in me knows that my life has never afforded the luxury to stop for a second and acknowledge my emotional wellbeing crumbling.
The fix.
Got myself into a fix, for a fix, by trying to fix what I shouldn't have. I'm done fixing. I'm tired of reaching for a better version of me. Even when I feel like my best self, there's a caveat. I'll just exist for a while and see where that leads me, because I have no idea what any of this is for anymore.
A deep, unreasonable hurt.
The lengths that I went to in order to feel love that was reciprocated was a deep, self-inflicted wound. To feel a warmth that I didn't know was missing. To realize I deserved it and it was possible. It's a total smoke and mirrors magic trick to be as hopeful and naive as I was.
Idealistic point of view.
It would be ungrateful to not learn from my mistakes, and incredibly disingenuous to pretend I didn't appreciate every moment. I'm just incredibly disappointed and what gets to me is how sincerely I tried to make things okay.
It sucks, and there's no amount of platonic love that could ever compare to how intense it was, I'd be lying to myself if I thought that were possible.