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Where Do You Go From Here?

I Don't Know What To Feel

A long rant about how I've been doing.

It's been a while since I've had the emotional energy to blog. Leading up to Burning Man was a whirlwind. I'll write more in-depth about my experience at The Burn another time. The past few weeks have been my highest highs and lowest lows. Finding a balance has been an eternal struggle.

My introspective part wants to be alone, discover meaning in all the pain, do shit that makes me happy, and listen to neglected voices in my head. The people-pleasing part of me wants to gloss over the struggles, put others at ease, and make things feel okay as soon as possible. It's a constant battle of feeling like a burden and minimizing my emotions to fit into a box that lacks the capacity to contain my laughter. A "glass shattering" cackle as a friend called it.

Being An Adult

Understanding trauma and realizing how it impacts my behaviors as an adult has shown me that I am more than what I did to survive. Growing up as the youngest of 6, moving away from home at 18 with $200 in my pocket, no family support, and no prospects for school or work, I had to push myself into precarious situations to get by. There were moments of immense depression that always lead to completely rebuilding myself into the person I wish I had when I felt alone.

Reflecting on all the hardships allowed me to be more empathetic to myself. To be open and kinder to others by making space for people to feel okay with not being okay. There's a stigma around vulnerability equating to weakness, which is completely false. It's much harder to tell people how you feel than it is to smile and close off your heart. Things aren't perfect, they never will be.

Although being an adult can suck, people will always love, lust, and hate with reckless abandon. The great thing about being an adult is viewing difficult situations holistically and knowing you did your best. You made it happen. You cultivated the life, people, and success that you now hold dear. Understanding that your experience is your own and harnessing that knowledge will set you free in so many ways.

Where Do I Start

I'm starting to find peace with myself, romanticize my life, finding beauty both inside and out. I went to the beach alone yesterday, read a book, listened to music, hooped, and reminisced on this past year that was filled with the most passion and affirmation I've ever known. I couldn't do anything but smile as I gazed upon the sunset while sitting next to the Golden Gate Bridge, thinking about how much you changed my life. As much grief as I'm feeling, there's also a fuzzy warmth in my gut reminding me that it was real and I'll find it again when I'm ready.

"It makes me so happy to see you happy", was the first time I felt cared for beyond my appearances. The shit-eating grin it gave me was like a drug and I couldn't get enough. I've never had love that was reciprocated in that way, it was like nothing else in the world. It was also my downfall when it ended and the happiest thing I had was gone. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud and let you know how loved I felt. After everything was said and done, I'm reframing the way I move on to honor the connection we had.

I can't wait to make you proud, it's all I ever wanted to do.

Loving Yourself First

Love really is a numbers game. The endless variables can make the task of finding a partner daunting, near implausible. Good thing I'm a gambling man. I grew up with the idea that a partner would fulfill me, that I wasn't good enough on my own to build something substantial without the support of a partner. Such a misconception and a miserable way to live.

I've become much more grateful for the friends I have around me, the successful people I see doing their own thing, living for themselves, and tackling problems with a positive disposition. I admire and look up to my friends a lot, they're the driving factors of my life right now and I can't thank them enough for just being themselves and making me feel like I can do the same.

It sounds so sappy, I'm tearing up just thinking about it. There's always a silver lining, and I'm more open to adapting when those opportunities arise. Fuck it, I'll make those opportunities come to fruition.

Anyways, how are ya?!

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