What kind of love do you seek?

This post is pretty personal.

Lately, I've been trying to identify what I seek from a relationship before I start dating seriously. I would find it unfair to jump into a situationship with no clear intentions. There are some that can "go with the flow" and let things evolve naturally, which I understand and respect as a dating strategy.

I cannot do that. When I fall, I fall hard. That man becomes an important part of my life and the things I sought in a partner no longer matter because I try to preserve the connection by sacrificing what I need. So until I've figured it out, I don't think I'll be swept off my feet anytime soon.

What is my capacity for love?

In the past, I've been a serial monogamous. Date a guy for 2-3 years, no real plan for the future, just enjoying each other's company and having fun until our goals no longer align and we split.

In full transparency, the problem was usually me. Dating young and garnering a lot of attention from men really fucked up how I viewed relationships. They seemed disposable and in abundance. Frankly, I was pretty selfish, secretive, and ended up cheating in the past. I felt so much shame and fear for years. The icing on the cake was having a "stalker" who hacked my socials and phone records, made fake profiles posing as me to message people and get "dirt", then send ominous blackmail emails to me, my exs, my entanglements, and even their workplaces. Woof, I mean I probably had it coming, but it kind of fucked me up and I have to always second guess myself. I used to ruminate on if I'm a good person or if I've matured. I know my life is drastically different now, but part of me still prefers privacy and masking in public, but I've realized how unhelpful hiding is. I'd rather air my dirty laundry with full responsibility, acknowledge my mistakes, and let others decide in what capacity they can accept me.

I believe I have a huge capacity for love. I don't see myself as monogamous anymore and have bonded through poly and open relationships, albeit, I'm the odd man out (a story for another time).

I find my ideal relationship is one filled with affirmation and support. A connection that's strong enough to overcome insecurity. A partner(s) who is successful, emotionally intelligent, and communicative.

What does poly mean to me?

I don't think one partner can provide every need. I find it as heteronormative bullshit that I used to prescribe to. If monogamy works for you, that's great! My perspective is that different partners meet different needs. It took me a while to detach my self-worth from how much I was able to provide someone else. Identifying areas I excel and lack at has given me a chance to see what others are good at and how to not feel anxious or jealous. I've been able to overcome a lot of my own insecurity by seeing the beauty of all types of love (so long as the intentions are pure).

We're all individuals with different types of love to give. We're just playing this weird game of Tetris, attempting to fit where we can. It takes a lot of work to find a balance. I just know I'd rather be single than stranglehold myself into committing to a setup where I could hurt someone.

Not to say I won't be monogamous, but my ideal setup if I were to find a primary partner would be closed at the start and open up once we've established boundaries and are no longer meeting each other's needs. Or if the sex and connection is bomb, I could do it for a while if the situation allows.

Takeaways

Life is weird. Love is complicated. Relationships are hard. All of it is worth it for the right people. I think we have this idea of a linear relationship that goes through phases and either ends or never ends. I'm starting to see relationships for what they are and not what they could be. To be present with whoever I'm with. To focus on my own needs, recognize they also have needs, and how we can align, support, and nurture them (regardless if it's with me or others).

I've found so much self-worth in seeing how amazing others are. Instead of perceiving my flaws through the lens of envy, I've reframed it as appreciation for what others do better!

The self-doubt demon will be omnipresent, don't feed it if you don't need to.

Okay byeeee!

Let me know your thoughts on relationships and if you could be poly/open!