A long, droning ramble. Enjoy at your own risk.
What I'm Listening To - Something Stupid | Nancy & Frank Sinatra
Isn't it strange how music influences our mood? A song or playlist that brings you back to a specific moment in time to relive a wealth of emotions. I find myself scrolling through Spotify, reminiscing on exciting or troubling places I've been.
Nightjar, meeting a new friend in Puerto Vallarta and being completely enamored by this man for days, but too shy to have any meaningful conversation until my last night there. Then staying up all night talking about life and wishing for more time with a kindred soul.
Wall Flower, moving to San Francisco and living in the basement of a hotel I worked at to make ends meet. Feeling physically sick, but absolutely bright-eyed and full of wonderment because I made it here.
Lonely Romance, meeting you again. Making rash decisions and not regretting it for once. That look of endearment as if I was truly seen for the first time. Letting my guard down just enough to begin seeing myself through your eyes. Feeling at peace, at home.
Love Can't Fix Everything
I've learned tough truths since living in San Francisco. All the different types of interactions we have and the way we show affection to friends, lovers, playmates, and strangers. Love is multi-faceted and can co-exist with other emotions. Contradictory emotions can manifest simultaneously. Choices we make can feel bad, even when our intentions were pure. I had to learn that love can't fix you. It can guide you, support you, pleasure you, but it can't make you love the broken bits inside. You have to love yourself enough to piece it all together and find meaning in your own existence.
I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms with was accepting that I can only control so much. As I've become attuned to what is within my power to change, I had to realize where my responsibilities end. To be there for myself as much as I wanted to be there for others.
Are You Being Fair To Yourself?
I find myself digging deeper into why we're conditioned to feel certain emotions while navigating relationships as adults. Why does self-worth feel like hubris? Why do I feel guilty for setting boundaries? Why do I think conveying my needs is burdensome for others?
As I grow and experience new, complex situations. I've become a more empathetic person, perhaps too much so. I often feel paralyzed by the thought of unintentionally hurting others, so I stay in my lane as much as possible. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what my desires, opinions, and goals even are. I try so hard to ease tension in social situations that I lose my own sense of self, thinking that an agreeable nature is what others are seeking in conversation. I'm not really sure if what I'm projecting outwards is actually me, or if it's just what I think others expect from me.
Don't Become Jaded
Dating and the entire courtship process doesn't excite me. It doesn't give me butterflies. It gives me anxiety because I'm consistently showing vulnerability and connecting deeply with someone, but ultimately I know I'll disappoint them. Whether it's me being a flake, having a bad day, feeling suffocated, or just wanting to be alone. I feel like whatever I do, I let someone down. I'd rather forego the entire process.
The part that gets to me is feeling worthy and undeserving at the same time. Being called beautiful provides me no joy when they don't know what's behind the facade. Being an object of desire isn't fulfilling given the brevity of their interest. The shallow parts of me are deemed more important. I try not to be jaded, but being continuously misunderstood is trying my patience.
Self-Reliance Doesn't Mean You're Alone
I've found solace in being self-reliant. I don't feel alone with my thoughts as much as before. I spend literal hours ruminating about life, friends, family, and how I've managed it all so far. I don't feel like I'm missing out on things. I don't worry about what's happening when I'm not around. I still feel like an asshole for being discerning when it comes to the company I keep, but I'd rather be alone than in the presence of exhausting personalities. It's comforting to know I don't have to be alone, I can choose when to surround myself with friends and it makes those moments special.
Growing Hurts. A Lot. - Grow As We Go | Ben Platt & Sara Bareilles
I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without seeking discomfort in the pursuit of growth. Actively confronting negative emotions has shown me that I can persevere. It's helped me appreciate the connections I have and to be more perceptive of the qualms of others. I think if you're able to derive insights from tough situations, you're better off than before. Growing doesn't mean you stop caring about the person you were and what they endured. Growing means acknowledging those trials, learning from them, and choosing how they'll change you moving forward.
Finding Bits Of You In Me.
I can't help but attempt to emulate the compassion I've been shown in the last year. There are countless special connections in the world and I'm always grateful for the ones willing to share their time with me. Taking bits and pieces from these unique few, and stitching them into my messy, inconsistent patchwork of a personality. As much as I'm dreading summer's end, I know there's so much more to come.
Ending With Another Oldie - My Way | Frank Sinatra
Thanks for reading if you made it this far! Let me know your thoughts about establishing your own boundaries and how you navigate toeing that fine line :)
- Richard