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Resetting Myself

Shorter post today. It's a lazy Sunday for sure, woke up with a slight hangover and attempted to do all the things I put off during the weekdays. It didn't go well, but I did all my dishes and made coffee at least. Felt sappy this morning, so here goes a post about mental health and my ongoing struggle of finding occasional reprieve as life gets busier.

My Bus Is Here!

As great as life can seem, my apartment is an absolute shitshow 98% of the time. If you see me take a picture and it looks clean, it's because I just cleaned it to take the picture. It's strange how quickly things pile up. Unpacked bags from traveling weeks ago. Empty boxes from impulse purchases. Laundry on my bed because I needed to find a specific pair of underwear before running out the door for a party. The only time I feel compelled to clean is when 1) I'm having a guest/hook-up over. 2) I'm feeling my oats and want to do a mini photoshoot. Neither of which happens frequently enough though.

For the past year, I've been experiencing prolonged procrastination, general apathy, and a lack of excitement surrounding my own life goals. It's definitely impacted the way I take care of myself and space. I always look forward to traveling because it provides an incentive to clean my place, do all the laundry, pack, and come home to a relatively decluttered place.

On a normal day, I'll sit at my desk working as cups begin to surround me until I realize I don't have a single clean one (then I bust out those red solos, baby!). I love going to the gym to provide myself with a distraction from what I should actually be doing. I kinda hate it, but it's an organized mess. Like I can tell you exactly where I saw my hairclip, it's right under the pile of laundry on my bed next to the unopened mail.

My priorities feel out of whack, I'm consistently stressed out about money, goals (or lack thereof), work, disappointing people, and generally surviving while maintaining an external appearance of having my shit together. It's exhausting and often overwhelming to the point where I want to lay on the good half of my bed and stare at the ceiling while listening to sad songs.

It's absolutely embarrassing to have such a depression mess of a room. But it also gives me an excuse to never have people over, which feels like a positive sometimes.

How I Cope:

I go through bouts of manic cleaning episodes. There's usually some trigger causing me to feel extremely happy or sad that is motivating enough to channel my energy into something productive. It's a terrible habit and I'm trying to figure out why I let everything accumulate to the point of needing an emotional trigger to do what I believe is normal for others. I literally clean other people's homes better than my own home for some reason, maybe it's all performative. I just want to be a good guest, but I can't even do it for myself.

Just stuck in a constant loop of self-sabotage. Maybe it's an excuse to be alone. I haven't figured it all out yet, but I know it's an issue that I want to work on... like many parts of my life, I don't go through radical change until something drastic happens. A new job, a big trip, a broken heart... what the fuck is wrong with me. Lately, I've just been okay, so it translates into being okay with everything else. I have to always remind myself that it's alright to feel intense emotions, and those emotions don't have to be productive. I don't like it though, I save up chores to process emotions rather than actually spending the time to analyze and feel them.

The best I can do is keep trying, start small, and manage my time better... OR I can put myself in a mood for no reason and then get shit done! :P

How do you stay organized and find the motivation to do tedious tasks? I'd love to know what tips & tricks you use! I don't want to keep kicking the can down the road, I already do that too much.

Cheers, Happy Sunday!

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