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Not My Best

Updated: Aug 7, 2022

Dancing the night away, meeting new people, not caring about how ridiculous I looked while having fun... I paused, saw myself surrounded by love, and a slight frown crossed my face for a split second before putting my mask back on and maintaining a smile.

It's always a sudden, but fleeting jolt of emotions. The realization that I need to let go and accepting things as they are. It feels silly to waste my time being upset, but my feelings are valid. I'm allowed to grieve.

Stumbling into bed and crying out all of my frustration was such a relief. Writing a long, poignant text to explain what's running through my mind, then deleting it all because it wouldn't do anything, it would change anything. It would seem desperate, and add to this merry-go-round of sorrow. It would just make things harder than they need to be.

I've put on a strong front and rose-colored glasses so long, it took me months to finally confront the mistakes I made in order to feel deeply connected to someone. It wasn't going to be more, and I'm disappointed in myself for still being the hopeless romantic that I thought I outgrew.

What makes me most upset is how easy it was. To love and be loved. It just worked, it worked so well that I didn't need more from you. I handled my life. I focused on my goals. I wanted to succeed on my own to avoid being a burden at all costs and make this situation possible.

Now, I struggle to communicate to someone I've always been unafraid to be transparent with. To sully the little time left with emotional baggage.

"I just want to have fun"... was heartbreaking and thoughtless. It brushed aside the vulnerability I've shown. The safe space you provided became a place just for fun. I was willing to give so much than fun, but I think that's what it was eventually reduced to. I just didn't realize it until now. Perhaps I expected too much.

They say you get back what you put in, I'm starting to see it's not true.

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