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Control

Another ramble ramble, she's drunk. 🥴


Oofta, what a night... at the same place, eating the same pizza. Got to see my friend dj, what an amazing feat (very proud of him)! Also, hearing "Butterfly" at a club made me reflexively want to dance like I was play DDR. Spent the rest of the night wandering the club by myself, enjoying the music and appreciating the effort they put in. Quite incredible, honestly, the discipline required to consistently work and master a craft is awe-inspiring.


While on my fruitloop, I thought about why I try to confront my own emotions so vehemently. I strive to feel fine. I want to feel fine most of the time, because I need to. Having any intense emotion feels wrong. It feels desperate, like you're hoping it's reciprocated or understood, and when it's not, it hurts even more. It's easier to mute myself. Extremes are not allowed. Control is the only thing I have, and placing myself in a context that I can control feels comfortable. Control is the adult thing to do.


I find putting a postive veneer on most situations makes you appear as a lighthearted person. Just smile and be okay, because if you showed an ounce of disappointment, it'll give way for others to dig into your psyche with ill intent.


I put so much emphasis on the tangible achievements. Get a good job, live on my own, rely on myself. Why the fuck does it feel so exhausting. This is normal people shit. So why do I feel so overwhelmed.

As I think about getting a mortgage, making more money, and supporting my family... I find myself even more unsatisfied.


I feel like there's no end goal here. Nothing of substance to sustain. I keep coming back to the idea that I'm a person to be enjoyed, but not embraced. I really despise being self-loathing... and I feel my weakest when I'm not able to fully acknowledge my worth. It's there, I see it. I want to hold on to it, it just keeps slipping between my fingers with every unfortunate experience. So many near misses. I feel ungrateful for not being okay with what I have.


I'm tired... and aimless... but hopeful that it'll all pay off. Right?


Okay goodnight.

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