At what point.

I have not written in a while. It’s because I haven’t been happy with myself. Taking a moment to reflect on who I’ve become and how it’s impacting my self worth has utterly destroyed my confidence.

This person I thought I was… a compassionate, carefree, loving person. I miss him.

I’m experiencing so much self doubt. I’m wondering if I’m a good person, a good partner. I’ve bent over backwards to justify my circumstances. Silently waiting to feel acknowledged, to be seen, to feel heard again. I keep grasping at the idea that I was once powerful, confident, fair. Now I’m constantly arguing, trying to prove some point that doesn’t even matter. None of this matters. Nothing else matters.

I used to believe that I deserved to feel loved, just by being me. By just projecting optimism, empathy, and gratitude, I would attract the kind of love that was fulfilling, that was enough.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t who to trust. I’ve been trying to not give in, but I think I’m in over my head.

I’ve become someone I never thought I’d be. I absolutely hate that all the work I’ve put in to manage my own emotions and uplift others… feels wasted, taken for granted, twisted back on me.

I’ve allowed too much space for compassion. I’ve empathized too much. I’ve been put in a position where I have to be the selfish, and I don’t know when this even happened.

I just want uncomplicated, well-intentioned love. I’m sorry if that’s too much to ask for. It took me too long to realize that I deserve it.. and I’m willing to give up everything to achieve it. Because I trust myself and my ability to navigate life in a meaningful, thoughtful, tactful way. I no longer care what others see me as. I know what I mean. I know I believe. I know what I deserve. I don’t know why I feel immense guilt for being me.